The Life & Times of the Hitchhiker's Guide
by TSBlack
Summary: Part One: Potatoes. Being the first of several obscure entries in that wholly remarkable book, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.


**The Life and Times of the Hitchhiker's Guide**

**Part One: Potatoes**

Disclaimer: I do not own the Guide! Also, apologies to JRR Tolkien, but I was throwing my dad a bone with this one… (Don't own Tolkien either of course.)

The Hitchhiker's Guide has this to say about potatoes.

_Potatoes,_ it says, _are the most wholly underestimated of root vegetables. Over the course of time they have single-handedly caused more riots, famines, wars and deaths that any other existing solid food item. (In other words, mixed drinks and liquid supplements don't count.)_

_Note the Great Garulian Potato Salad Wars. A small country called Izo on the small planet of Garulia was worshipful, to say the least, of Potato Salad. They made theirs traditionally with pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, and of course new red potatoes. A larger and more powerful country nearby called Hugguts Galoof was also worshipful of Potato Salad. They made theirs with mayonnaise, vegetable oil, several herbs, sliced hot-dogs, and yellow finger potatoes. Since the beginning of their existence they had fought over which was the more appropriate recipe. Over 1 million of the fuzzy pink Garulians were slain in these wars. But this is not the extent of the tragedy. In a final attempt to bring about the end of the Potato Salad Wars, the two chieftains of the Izoans and the Hugguts Galoofans met with enormous bowls of their very best potato salad. A large Garulian named Arthur was to be the judge of these two recipes. Whichever he proclaimed the most delicious and potato-salad-ish would win and the war would finally be over. _

_So, he set to the two large bowls quite enthusiastically. He spent several hours in deliberation. Finally, when he was to announce the winner, all of the Garulians gathered to hear the verdict. Alas, when he opened his mouth to speak the name of the country whose salad was supreme, he instead belched so loudly and so foully that everyone present, which was everyone on the entire planet, was killed instantly. Even Arthur could not withstand the toxic chemicals and foul stench of his own belch, and died._

Here the Guide pauses in a moment of reverent silence for those who passed in the Great Potato Salad Wars. Then it continues as such:

_There are many others similar to this tragedy, including the Largeish Octavian Potato Muncher Crisis, the Unfathomable Tater Famine of Fluxer 6, the infamous Potato Slaying Epidemic of Xulon Mortex, and the small must nonetheless detrimental Irish Potato Famine on the tiny planet of Earth. But, none of these are as great and terrible as the Miswritten Potato Scene Riots on Beta Orion 3._

_The inhabitants of Beta Orion 3 did not care very much for other planets or their inhabitants; however, they managed one day to accidentally locate radio waves from the small planet of Earth. These radio waves were transmitting a Public Radio Production of a book called The Lord of the Rings, written by an Earthman called JRR Tolkien. The inhabitants of Beta Orion 3, or Beta Betters as they are known, became enraptured with the epic beauty of this tale, and it was their most beloved story for several decades after the destruction of the Planet Earth. Their most favorite and treasured scene was the one in which the following is said about potatoes by a young character named Sam:_

_"Gaffer's delight and rare good ballast for an empty belly- but you needn't look, for you won't find any."_

_Eventually, the Beta Betters hired a creative and delightful young Better named PeeJahTeer to make a movie production of the beloved story. _

_Excitement ran high all around Beta Orion 3 the day of the premier. The audience, young and old, sat in front of the huge projectors, watching in delight as 12 hours of their most favorite tale was yarned quite successfully by PeeJahTeer. All in all, it seemed like it was a huge success._

_However, as the anticipation rose and the potato scene was drawing near, PeeJahTeer began to worry. This was their favorite and most loved scene- had he nailed it?_

"What's taters?" _asked the nasty creature named Gollum who was traveling with young Sam and his companion Frodo._

_Every inhalation was held stiff and still for the moment of truth- eyes watered and smiles froze in delighted anticipation._

"Potatoes- boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew?" _chanted the young Sam._

_Alas, at this moment, the great beauty and wonder of the scene was devastated. Millions of smiles fell to horrified gaping and wide eyes as the rest of the scene played on, unnoticed. At first it was just loud talking, but that rose to shouting, and then to a deafening roar as every being on the planet swore revenge on the unfortunate PeeJahTeer and his mutilation of their most favorite of scenes. He was. Of course, lynched shortly thereafter, but the real tragedy came afterwards when the other planets on the Orion system proclaimed the movie a "great success and beautiful adaptation of a wonderful tale." _

_This infuriated the Beta Betters, despite the fact that the movie was wonderfully well-done. They did not care, because their most favorite scene was, in their eyes, ruined. As a direct result of the rest of the system's dismissal of this outrage, a total of 9 planets and over 40 trillion people died in the enormous riots and genocide that took place. The remaining populace of Beta Orion 3, now called the Beta Beaters and shunned by the rest of the universe, vowed never to make movies ever again and destroyed all the equipment used in making them on their planet, and hold the recordings of the original Earth broadcast of The Lord of the Rings in the safest and best-guarded of their vaults. _

Here the Guide pauses again, in a half-hour of reverent silence for those who were murdered by the fanatics of Beta Orion 3.

_Conclusively,_ it continues eventually, _potatoes are the food of the Devil._


End file.
